How your relationship can survive DIY

An unsuccessful session of DIY à deux has the potential to escalate into full-blown war. We asked Dr Debi Warner, psychologist and author of Renovation Psychology (Authorhouse) how to avoid DIY divorce.

What are the golden rules for tandem DIY?

'Good communication, meticulous planning, making and maintaining a budget,' says Warner. 'Plus avoid being critical of each other's work. Work out what your strengths and skills are – perhaps one of you can oversee the furnishings, or focus on the colour scheme, while the other can take responsibility for carpentry.' Regular 'review times', such as tea breaks, are crucial, allowing you to discuss the project as it evolves and to avoid potential problems.'

Could it make a relationship stronger?

'A renovation project can help you face different challenges as a team, and fine–tune your collective decision–making,' says Warner. 'If you're a relatively new couple, or if you're experiencing difficulties in your relationship and you‘re thinking "this project could help us", then pick something small like a weekend putting shelves up or paving your garden path, that sort of thing.'

What if the pipes burst and the roof caves in?

'Apply brain "first aid". Resist the temptation to scream or blame each other. Accept that problems like this do occasionally happen; it helps if you've made contingency plans that you can refer to,' advises Warner. 'Go off and find your own individual stress–buster, or turn your attention to something else. "Self care" is crucial in the face of stressful events.' In short: don't blow, go.

And to steer clear of the ‘family at war' scenario?

'Create the "home team". Get everyone in on the act, including children, as it makes them feel involved and you'll be surprised at what they can contribute,' says Warner. 'Include them by using the skills they have; perhaps they can even pick out furnishings for their room. But overlook them and they'll get underfoot and make you feel stressed.' Don't turn all the planning over to the kids, though – unless you want to access your kitchen via a multi–coloured chute...

What's the best DIY project for injecting new life into a relationship?

'Any room that you renovate makes you excited to be in it, and some people react very emotionally to a bedroom renovation. If you want a little extra juice in your relationship, the bedroom may be a good place to start. As well as an inviting bed, consider a massage< area – or why not create a "listening and talking" area. It's like planting a new blueprint for your intimate behaviour. That's pretty exciting.' Somehow we doubt that projects in places such as the utility room will be quite as effective at reigniting passion. Though you'll never know if you don't try!

When should you give up and call in the professionals?

Warner believes knowing when to ask for help or even to quit is key. 'Acknowledging you need help in certain areas is a sign you're recognising your limitations, while at the same time building your team and establishing your individual roles. It's not a sign you're giving up. You may decide that you can demolish and plaster a wall, but that the joinery isn't for you, and that's fine. Alternatively, consider hiring someone to be your foreman while you do the work yourselves.' At least that way you can unite over a mutual hatred for the boss.